We Were Born in a Flame

It’s that time again…time to tune into nightly TV that happened twelve hours ago, and momentarily pretend that we are actually interested in gymnastics. Yes, The Olympics are in full swing. As I write this Michael Phelps has won his third gold, Canada is still without a medal, and the games many felt would be a controversy waiting to happen have largely gone on without incident. But what’s a movie lover to make of all of this?

There have been a handful of Olympic movies – COOL RUNNINGS, MIRACLE, and WITHOUT LIMITS come to mind – but sports’ biggest spectacle is largely uninspiring on screen. But what if we were to send some of the best fictitious characters to compete?

In honor of all of those trying to go higher, faster, and stronger over in Beijing, I present this week’s top five. And in the spirit of sportsmanship, they are in no particular order…

#5. Fencing: The Bride (KILL BILL vol. 1, 2003)… Epee, foil, sabre…would it even matter which event she chose? Hell she might find one-on-one combat far too elementary. Not to mention that those spaghetti strainers fencers wear on their head wouldn’t do those blonde locks any favours. It’s a good thing all the scoring is electronic now – could you imagine what Ms. Kiddo would do to an opponent who dared try to cheat?
#4. Track & Field: Lola (RUN LOLA RUN, 1999)… She has an amazing amount of endurance, which might make her a force in the 400M. Then again, she has some amazing speed since she’s able to get halfway across Berlin in 20 minutes, so perhaps the 100M might suit her talents better. Actually, she’s a wizard at hopping oncoming traffic, so she might excel most at the 100M hurdles. Then again with all the running she does, maybe she has it in her to pace herself for an entire marathon! Truthfully, it doesn’t matter which event she chose, since any disappointment could be solved just by closing her eyes and trying it all again.

Dammit! How could I forget the steeple chase!!?? #3. Sailing: Bob Wiley (WHAT ABOUT BOB? 1991)… “I’m Sailing!!!……I’m SAAAAIIIILING!!!!!“. (‘Nuff said.)

#2. Beach Volleyball: Pete “Maverick” Mitchell & Nick “Goose” Bradshaw (TOP GUN, 1986)… The long serves, deep digs, and strong spikes are all well and good – but what this sport is truly missing is some well choreographed high fivin’. The only thing that would make such an Olympic appearance complete would be for Tom “Iceman” Kazansky to join the team as an alternate…if only to stand on the sidelines and ominously spin volleyballs on his index finger. On a related note, I wonder if they play that well when Kenny Loggins isn’t singing in the background?

#1. Cycling: Elliot (E.T. THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL)… Last time I checked, other-worldly visitors hadn’t made the World Anti-Doping Agency’s list of banned substances…so just imagine how well Elliot could do on the world stage! The race would be over in moments as Elliot soared over the entire pack in world record time! It would up the Olympics from a global event to a galactical event!! Of course, had they qualified for Beijing…we wouldn’t have such a lovely silhouette against the moon. More like a blurry shadow barely visible amidst the smog (anyone wanna have some photoshop fun with that one?). Regardless – they’d make it on to a Wheaties Box with ease!